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Everything Is Dangerous
Everything Is Dangerous
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License
Your kid can get salmonella from his new pet turtle,
Buckle your seat belt or through the windshield you will hurtle,
You can choke on anything not bigger than your head,
Everything is dangerous, so how come you’re not dead?
You might poke your eye out with any given toy,
You might die from allergies to peanuts, wheat, or soy,
All these deadly circumstances we cannot improve,
Everything is dangerous, so please try not to move.
Terrorists are everywhere, in every school and mall,
And it might be better if you don’t touch cheese at all.
All the other drivers are insane and they’ve got guns,
Don’t pick up hitchhikers, even if they’re dressed as nuns,
Your date has GHB, he hopes tomorrow you’ll forget him,
Everything is dangerous, so go ahead and wet ‘em.
Dihydrogen monoxide will surely spell your doom,
It might just be easier if you don’t leave the room.
Make sure that your sunscreen is at least SPF 30,
Don’t eat food in restaurants, the chef’s hands might be dirty,
Gay men want your body and they can’t control their urges,
Monks have secret messages they’re chanting in their dirges.
Magnetic waves from in your cell phone just might fry your brain,
There’s a flying spaghetti monster in your beef chow mein,
Paris Hilton might explode, I saw it on Fox News,
Everything is dangerous, including Starburst chews.
Keep yourself hydrated or you’ll pass out from the heat,
Watch out for a wormhole openin’ up beneath your feet,
Motorcyclists with tattoos just got out of the joint,
Homeless people have diseases, so don’t stare and point.
From the moment that you’re born until the day you die,
Everything might kill you, and a lot of things will try,
So you’ve got two choices, and they’re easy to compare,
Everything is dangerous, or everything’s just there.
Everything is dangerous, so suck it up, mon frere.
I just knew it… can I say “I told you so…”???
It’s Raining Iguanas
It seems the recent cold snap in Florida has caused it to rain iguanas. The lizards become to cold to hold on and fall out of their lofty tree top perches. Just walk around and scoop them up. Yummmm, iguana….
Just remember, they aren’t dead, just cold. Make sure you keep them refridgerated until ready to use or you may be in for an unpleasant surprise.
Reasons to Join the Marine Team!
In the true spirit of “jointness” I offer the following as “Everything you need to know about differences in service culture. All in good fun, of course.
1. Marines have the best uniforms, hands down. And as everyone knows, chicks really dig a guy in uniform.
2. Marines know how to fight. That’s why they’re called America’s 911 force:
US Marine Corps Rules for Gunfighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.Navy SEAL Rules For Gunfighting
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.US Army Ranger Rules For Gunfighting
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound pack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.Army Rules for Gunfighting
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.US Air Force Rules For Gunfighting
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on HBO.
4. Determine “what is a gunfight.”
5. Request more funding from Congress with a “killer” PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine ‘key’ Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines.US Navy Rules For Gunfighting
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Send the Marines.KEITH J. PAVLISCHEK
COLONEL, U.S. MARINESShamelessly copied from Villainous Company
